On the minor note
19.06.2013, Crewe
The day hasn’t been too good. The yesterday’s drinking didn’t help with my mood. It did yesterday, but today I’m paying for it.
It’s already evening, I hear Ewa and Łukasz watching some movie in their bedroom, the neighbors are talking behind the wall. It doesn’t bother me. I’ve watched few episodes of “Louie”, series with that comedian, Louis CK. It cheered me up a little. There is something comforting in watching another loser.
I’m struggling with life. My self-confidence and sense of deeper harmony and higher protection are out the window. For few years now. I guess it started from our disastrous attempt to live in Copenhagen. Before that I felt more complete, I had a better sense of who I was, what was my meaning, my dreams. It wasn’t completely clear to me, but somewhere deep I felt that everything was going fine, that the pieces were falling into place. I don’t have it any more. If I had to describe how I feel right now, I’d say fragmented, lost, confused, insecure. I have this deep feeling that I don’t matter. It is sad, I know, boring and cliché, and I wish I could get out of this mind trap, be more positive, but I am where I am.
I’m not passive. I try different things to change what I feel into something constructive and creative. When people say “you have to accept who you are”, I agree, but I can’t just let it be, because I’m not happy with myself at this moment. So I do some music, write songs, stories, draw, try to make myself feel that I’m not completely meaningless, but it doesn’t really work, not on a larger scale anyway.
I hoped that this trip to UK would change something, by taking me out of the old environment. I still do. I think that finding job that matters, starting to earn some money, meeting new people, will give me meaning. Let’s see how it goes.
Today I’ve sent few CVs around. I’m targeting special needs centers in Liverpool and Manchester. I have NVQ3 in this field and quite good experience, so I think I stand a chance. I would love to work with those kids again, there is something particularly rewarding in working with children with disabilities. I like their sincerity and the full trust then can give you when you show you're worth it.
I was suppose to go to Liverpool tomorrow, but I think I stay here and do some more internet job hunting. Not feeling like spending a day in a big city.
Bummer, isn’t it? I mean all of it.
Ok, some more of Louis CK and then to sleep.
PS. I talked to Tania today. She is pretty active. Doing lots of gardening and exercise. Still she had a tough time, when my brother was killing chickens today and it happened that at that exact moment she came out and saw it. Those roosters were quite annoying, but still it was too much for her. Poor Tania. I miss her.
..sometime is good to ask what for instead why. I mean, the searching time may seem less important, and opens up space for not loosing anything. .. I do not know if anything can be prompt in such sensitive matters as individual susceptibility .. is the thing to someone prompter? .. but somehow I feel that you do not lose yourself (its interior) once you find yourself exactly this for what you miss
ReplyDeleteIkona, pisz śmiało po Polsku, bo za cholerę cię nie mogę zrozumieć ;)
ReplyDelete:)
ReplyDelete..czasem dobrze jest pytać po co zamiast dlaczego. Mam na myśli, że poszukiwanie może wydac się mniej ważne i otworzyć przestrzeń dla nie gubienia.. nie wiem czy cokolwiek moze byc podpowiedzią w tak delikatnej materii jak indywidualna wrażliwość ..czy cokolwiek może być podpowiadaczem?.. ale czuję, że nie zgubisz niczego z Siebie (z wnątrza) kiedy zanjdziesz już Siebie takiego za jakim tęsknisz.
e-hmm (przepraszam za żywczyk z google tlumacz)
Domyśliłem się, że to był tłumacz google;)
ReplyDeleteBardzo podoba mi się ta myśl: "nie zgubisz niczego z Siebie (z wnątrza) kiedy zanjdziesz już Siebie takiego za jakim tęsknisz". Naprawdę świetna, będę o tym myślał. Właśnie to się chyba zgubiło we mnie - wizja siebie takiego, za jakim tęsknię. Mocne, naprawdę dzięki.